Drained.

See what I found from colorgenicstest.com

You are feeling exhausted, worn out, drained. You feel that far too much is being asked of you but you still want to overcome these difficulties and establish yourself despite the effect such an effort seems to have on you. You are a proud person, assertive most of the time, but at this particular moment you are acting as if you have become resigned to the situation. What you need is some tender loving care - a gentle pat on the head (or maybe a 'kick-up-the backside') and then you'll be raring to go.

Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly - far slower than you anticipated - and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place. In spite of the fact that you feel like 'giving up' - don't. Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression 'All's well that ends well' will have an extra special meaning for you.

Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offence, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.

It would seem that an existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory and you feel that there is little that you can do about it without 'some help from your friends', but you have no desire to show the world how vulnerable you really are and therefore you consider it inadvisable to display affection or be over demonstrative. You regard this particular relationship as a depressing tie and although you would like to be independent and unhampered, you don't want to run the risk of losing anything. All this leads you to react 'touchily' and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness and stress. Your ability to concentrate may suffer.

You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true managerial material.

Sadly, I have to admit most of the part is true. All my energy was drained, and just a little part of it left. A little pieces of me that is just enough to do the daily cycles. Wake up, go to work, go home, sleep. I couldn't stand any interference between those routines. You know what... up until this very moment, I still abandon my post event report. Yes, I'm a procrastinator, but at this moment, I have made some steps further, a quick 'improvement' that I had never done before. I run from my responsibilities. I know I have time and I know I can do it if I have enough motivation but apparently I'm not. I'm running away.

There are times when I feel like to be un-contactable, to run from people. Call me anti-social or anything as you like, I don't care.

I'm a Slacker, Indeed...

I guess this will be the first time I blog from office..

I have a thing to do, but a very little motivation to do it. I tend to slack around and open my facebook page, browse here and there, google here and there.. Maybe I should close my google chrome window to overcome with the distractions. Well, I have tried it once but it ended up with me playing Minesweeper and Solitaire. I even managed to finish the expert mode! A new accomplishment! lol.

I can't blame on anyone or anything with me being soooooo idle, lazy, and procrastinate. It's on my self. Me, is the problem. Either I just found out that I actually have an extremely laid-back personality or... I just found out that this job is not suitable for me. Well, I can't say it sure enough. I realize that I have not been so interested and excited to the works I've been doing. Maybe I'm not ready to accept the fact that this is..the real working field's gonna feel like. Maybe I'm too comfortable with me being an university student. Maybe I just simply don't have any ambitions. Or.. maybe it's simply because... this job is not meant for me.

I. DO. NOT. KNOW. WHAT. AND. WHERE. IS. MY. PROBLEM.

I can't work under pressure like the two engineers working in front of me. They never close the AutoCAD window. Sometimes I wonder how they can survive hours sitting in front of the computer. Maybe because they are always reminded of their family at home. To fulfill their needs they need money. To have money they have to work. To work, they have to be under all this pressure.

He Knows My Name

This song had accompanied me dealing with the tough times I had during March 2011, a month full of joy and pain, tears and laughter, good and bad things..

There was one time when this song was being played.. and I cried hard.. really. hard. I never thought I'd do such kind of reactions.. I just never realized that it was so precious to me. And I couldn't bear the thought of losing it.

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tommy_walker/he_knows_my_name.html ]
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

Today's Reflection Mark 8:11-13

“Why does this generation seek a sign?” (Mark 8:12)

We can easily understand why Jesus declined to honor the Pharisees’ request for a sign. Mark tells us right away what their motivation was—to test Jesus. For the most part, they already had their minds made up about him. If Jesus did per- form a miracle, they would accuse him of blasphemy. If he didn’t, they would say he was just another false prophet. Jesus wasn’t afraid of what they could do to him—but he knew that even the most amazing miracle he could perform wouldn’t change their opinion.

Still, we may want to give the Pharisees a little credit. They were actually on the defensive here. It was they who were being tested, not Jesus. If they were to accept his claims about himself, they could lose their elite social status as religious leaders. And worse, they would have to rethink their understanding of the Mosaic Law, which they had studied their entire lives. Jesus was asking something very difficult of the Pharisees, and for many of them, the risk was too great.

How about us? Everyone of us is regularly tested by God, as a necessary part of our growth into mature disciples. We can choose to see this testing as a good thing, or we can resist: “Lord, why am I facing this challenging road? Are you sure you want me to do this? Please send me one more sign to convince me that this is your will!” For us, just as for these Pharisees, stretching our faith muscles can hurt sometimes!

Perhaps the greatest thing we can ask for in our walk with the Lord is the grace of surrender. As difficult as it can be at times, there is also great comfort in being able to say: “Your will be done.” If we look at believers like Abraham, Peter, Mary, and Paul, we see that the reward for faithfulness to God’s will far outweighs the cost. Our sacrifices will seem light if we keep our eyes fixed on our goal: “the prize of God’s upward calling, in Christ Jesus!” (Philippians 3:14).

“Lord, I can’t see the road ahead, so please help me to trust you as I step out in faith. I believe that any step taken in faith is a step forward!”

source : wau.org

In Needs of Inspirations. In The Middle of Desperations.

This is the first time I post outside from my room. Guess what, now I'm in NIE Canteen, sitting in the very corner just across the NTU Jungle. I need some inspirations to start writing the script but the mood is just not there yet.

Sigh. Why in the first place I chose this way that forces me to be so well planned and organized? I am not definitely one. I love to hold on, to pending, to 'see how lah'. And this job is about the opposite. Everything has to be done right away. Every single details must be carefully planned. I wonder why God sometimes lets me to escape from the responsibility of being responsible of what I am doing, maybe He knows I'm not capable enough to do that. Yes, I'm too stressful if being forced like this for quite a time. I just hope the event would quickly pass by. It's 40++ days left! And still, I'm still not sure enough if it's gonna come true! The budget even hasn't fixed yet. Oh my, sigh.

This task is difficult for me. I have to overcome my nature of being a procrastinator, and it's no fun at all. God, give me strength. I can't just depend on anyone, where are they when I mostly need them?

Being So Positive

Everyone tells me to be positive and optimistic.

Everyone tells me that when it comes to an end, you'll feel an inexpressible satisfaction.

Everyone tells me to be strong and full of spirit.

I appreciate their care and encouragements.

This post is no offense to them.

I thank them for every single care they show in any forms.

I know I have to be positive and optimistic.

I know when it comes to an end, I'll feel an inexpressible satisfaction.

I know I have to be strong and full of spirit.

I know it and I know I need to be reminded of those things.

but I just can't lie to myself to be such positive and optimistic...

No offense but sometimes..

Those positive encouragement feels nothing

Same things are said and believed

It's like lying to one self, you know..

Being optimistic might be the best thing that I can do

Being an encouragement might be the best thing that people can do for me, and I'm really thankful for that

but...I just can't lie and fool my self like that

I know it's gonna be hard

I know tears might be shed

and I know this is a test for me, no matter what the result is, either being an optimist or a pessimist, the important thing is that I'm not turning back, and I guess that's enough..

First Week of My Internship

Five days are fast, but it's not because it's a very enjoyable one. It feels fast because I managed to successfully passed all the obstacles during the my first days of internship.

Let me review you day per day.

FIRST DAY

I really had nothing to do. It was boring all the time. I was tired of sitting. I kept looking at the clock just to find out only 5 minutes had passed. It was torturing.

SECOND DAY

I got my first job and it was not such a newbie one. I was asked to draw 3D view of a staircase with a curved landing. My supervisor guided me through the process. He's not a soft spoken one but he is kind of patient for my slow-processing-brain. At first, I was very lost. I couldn't catch which point of view that he wanted, but I managed to finish it. I thought my first job was done, but actually it was a never ending one. I was asked again to draw the plan view, cut the section here and there, then draw the elevation view. I worked until 7pm in my second day where I was supposed to leave office at 6pm, and I was given a homework for tomorrow morning!

THIRD DAY

In the morning, I got nothing to do again. It was because my supervisor was not around, when he came in the afternoon, I was given the next task. Same project. Same thing, still the damn staircase thing.

I was told to draw the slanted beam in elevation view, not to forget to draw the reinforcements also. Oh yeah, before that, he asked me to calculate what reinforcements should be used for the problem. He guided me but I was still blur. I knew I learnt that last semester but I just forgot the formula. Thanks to the blue textbook. I was a little bit shocked that I had to do all those works that soon. I was expecting a step by step learning process but I didn't get any.

I forgot to tell you, that my company is a very small company, only consists of 4 people, 5 including me. One of my colleague also explained about this thing, that they don't really have that kind of training for an intern, since it is a very small company, and everyone usually is already busy doing their own works but yes, they are still willing to help me of course.

Okay, continue. After calculating the longitudinal bars, I was asked to calculate the shear link reinforcements. My supervisor said that the contractor was coming (oh okay so this is a REAL project. At first I still thought this was kind of practices for me to get familiarized with those stuffs. but it is A REAL ONE) I was stuck with the calculation but fortunately he didn't need the answer anymore, which meant : another problem arose.

He asked me to draw the damn beam in plan view with bigger scale. That 'funny damn' beam... Why on earth the architect designed such thing?? =_= What a poor civil engineer we are.. I worked over time again, but thank God it was only 15 minutes late, but then I was given a homework again to study how to calculate the column thingy-thingy. I totally forgot that thing and lost. I never learnt such problems during my class. That's why, you should never study for the purpose of exam only.

At night, I tried to read my lecture notes but I couldn't really focus. I even brought my lecture notes to celebrate my friend's birthday! Can't you believe that?? Even those who are not doing their internship wouldn't even start studying! (unless they're kiasu enough).

FOURTH DAY

I reached office with a very minimum understanding of what I would be doing. I looked through the blue print again and I found out that I actually didn't have to calculate that column thingy-thingy. Yay! but then, another new work is coming..another drawing from another damn point of view. Actually I was quite excited knowing that I didn't need to bore myself anymore, but still..there was another pressure of many works to do. I might enjoy the drawing part but not when I required to think how to anchor the reinforcement, how to bend, how to link, etc etc. I left office at around 6.40 pm, then followed by club's meeting at 7.30 pm. Quite a tiring day..

FIFTH DAY

Now I know how TGIF feels like, but even on friday, I still needed to work overtime. I was trying to leave office at 6.15pm, decided to continue my work on Monday but then he stopped me saying that I should finish that now because he wanted to send the drawings to the contractor soon. What?? So, I drew quickly and managed to leave office at 6.45pm after hearing his comments here and there, and honestly I was still quite blur. I did get something of course, though. Oh yes, I got some homeworks to do also, I need to calculate this and that, study this and that. What is this?? I thought everyone saying when you go to work, you have nothing to worry about when you get home, no lectures, no tutorials, no quizzes to be prepared, but I feel like having quizzes everyday!!!!

Okay. that was my first week of working.

SO FAR, I can conclude that

1. I don't want to work in that kind of environment. The routine is killing me, especially when I imagine my future self working as they do.

2. I don't have enough passion in Civil Engineering. I'm not saying I'd enjoy doing Architecture more. No, I'm not brave enough to say that as well. I just don't think I'm fit in that working field, at least for now. I still can't imagine my self dealing with those problems everyday in my future life.

3. I love school. I miss my friends. I just love spending time with my friends.

4. I might consider of changing my career path.

So, that is my first week conclusion of IA. It might have changes in some next weeks. We never know..

Dry.

I have not been a good daughter lately.

I can't focus my thoughts on my prayer.

I can't confess that I did disappoint some people in my life who love me so much.

I don't want to start to pray because it only reminds me of being sinful, that I don't deserve any of those forgiveness.

I want to come back but I just feel I just can't knock the door, and it will be opened so easily for me, that would be unfair for the others.

I regret that recently I took His blessings only for granted.

I'm afraid that I don't deserve to receive such forgiveness and love.

I'm too selfish. I'm too fragile.

I want to meditate. At the moment, I don't feel like meeting anyone. I just want to lock myself in my room.

I want to go home but every time I try to find the key, I pull back.

I just don't want to be reminded of how useless I am.

I'm no good at all.

I really want to cry out loud, but I can't. I can't. My tears just won't come out.

I feel numb. I feel such an idiot.

It's like walking in a vast desert and I can't find any oasis nearby.

Current Status : Dry. Numb. Empty.

Dry

Spiritually.

Numb

Academically.

Empty

Reality.

Jarak Tak Memisahkan Kita

Jarak bukan masalah bagi kita

Kita tetap bisa melewati 'quality time' bersama-sama

Tak ada yang berubah sejak aku dan kau dipisahkan ribuan kilometer

Walau gunung dan samudera terbentang luas menghadang

Jarak Tak 'Kan Memisahkan Kita