Monday, January 17, 2011

You have to accept that

-if you receive something good, be prepared for the worst when you will lose that good thing

-nothing is eternal

-life is no fairy tale

-you can't just walk away. you can't just disappear. you can't just ignore.

-you can't just rely on anyone.

-even if you can rely on anyone, you can't rely on them anytime.

-some people will come in your life to disappoint you.

-you can't have too high expectations. it's best not to expect anything from anyone.

-people might only be nice to you when they want to make use of you.

-forever is too good to be true.

-you are simply like peter pan from neverland. you just don't wanna grow up.

-being a hypocrite is inevitable.

-you can't tell your secret to anyone.

-you can't really tell your biggest secret.

-you can't just get along with everyone.

It Hurts More and More

At first, I didn't want to write this thing because it means in the future I have to recall back this painful memories, even though I wouldn't write them in details, but they do hurt and pain.

What is the problem here?

Every obstacles that I have gone through might have made me stronger, but for each new obstacles I just feel more miserable than I used to. The analogy is maybe like "leveling up your level like they do in games". You need experiences to go to the next level. The higher your level is, the more experiences you need for the next level, thus the heavier the burden is.

It may mislead me to the thought of me being more fragile instead of stronger, but in fact, the bigger boss is waiting and there will be always the bigger ones.

Sometimes I just wanna walk away. I wanna signed out of my email account, msn, fb and shut down my computer, pretending nothing out there is going on. Sometimes being keep updated is scary, you know. Can we just enjoy a little stroll in a green beautiful park, just walk..and enjoy its beauty. No cell phone. No messenger. No distractions.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I just don't know HOW I'm gonna make it through

I know the answer
I just don't know HOW I'm gonna make it through

I know what prizes I'll get
I just don't know HOW I'm gonna make it through


who can i depend on

this post is not written in my best stable emotional state so it might not be valid.

come on, guys..
think of anyone who can u depend on, in any situation
i mean, anyone with no biological or family relationship with u
i know my Dad and Mom will always fight for me

i cannot think of one name..
for those who r my friend, sorry it doesn't mean i forget ur role as a friend
but i just don't think u'll sacrifice all ur energy and time to support me
u gotta live ur own life

don't tell me it's God
i know He'll always be here and there
but i don't know how He's gonna support me
who He will send as angels
He always works mysteriously

Friday, January 14, 2011

I, Me, and Myself..

Suddenly, I just feel the urge to write about myself. :P I never wrote anything that much about myself before in this blog, but what I'll be writing might be different from who I was some years ago if you are happened to be my high or junior high school friends, and different from I will be some years in the future. Just consider this as a chance for me to know my self and compare the improvement of me being a human as an individual some years later.

I was born 21 years ago in the month of Christmas, with a red birthmark on my face. My mom believed this affected my confidence when I was around with my peer. At that time, I even didn't realize that was the cause of my shyness when dealing with people, but I guess even without the birthmark I'd be the same, me, the shy, and the quiet little girl, with some sort of high imaginations. There were times I was down and depressed because of some bullies regarding my physical appearance, but as I grew older that thing was not a problem anymore.

During kindergarten, I liked drawing. I entered some drawing and painting competitions and got some rewards from them. Ah, I remember there was this one painting that was printed in a magazine named "Hidup". I think there was a tree, a boat, a sun, some clouds, mountains, and some people there, like a common view of a life in a village. Yes, I enjoyed painting very much that time. I guess it's because I can express freely in colours and sketches, but after kindergarten, my painting career was merely about assignments in drawing class. My interest to drawing is one of the reason I considered Architecture as my major when I was applying for university, and yeah.. now ends up with Civil Engineering, the brother of Architecture. Even though the story of me ending up with Civil Engineering was not as easy and smooth as you could imagine but I'd save it for another chance.

Apart from drawing, I also love writing. I guess I do better in writing than in speaking. I once ever tried to write some short stories but none of them was ever finished. Yes, I'm not really the type of someone who will get the task done right away, even though I look like so. At first, I also thought I was the kind of people who do not procrastinate, due to some common expectations and such, but as I get to know my self... Yes, I'm a procrastinator. I always believe there will always be tomorrow when there's always enough time for everything.

I like to dream. I like to create. Wanna know another reason why I want Architecture? It's because it gives me an opportunity to be creative as well as making money. Wanna know why I choose to be the Event Organizer when going for club's main committee election? Not because I like to organize and plan, it's because I can give ideas in hope to make the event innovative and exciting. That's all. And now, I realize it's wrong. I need more than creativity to survive doing this job. I am forced to be organized and well-planned, and somehow it gives me some pressure one way or another.

I am not the type of motherly girl who likes to be at the house most of the time. Well, I like to be home, but I don't like to stay at the house all day long. And I prefer to go out alone than spending time in my room doing nothing and keep boring. So, don't be surprised if you find me alone walking in some uncommon part of Singapore. I won't be able to do that in Indonesia since I don't have any access to a fine and secure transportation. Honestly, I don't really like the fact that I have to depend on somebody when I want to go out while in Indo.

(to be continued)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Relax~

Actually I was going to play Frank Sinatra's Christmas Album. It's not because I want more of Christmas. I need some jazzy melodies to accompany me at the moment. And it's the only album I have in my laptop. I'm trying to download Sinatra's greatest hits but they're taking 1 hour!

Then suddenly my mom plays a CD collection of religion songs. It's playing all over the house now, so better I closed my windows media player before it consumes my laptop battery. Haha, guess what. I plug in the battery and lay on the bed. Today's weather is such a prefect time to procrastinate. I can't believe I just sent the proposal to SAO in the middle of this soothing atmosphere!

"Kasih" is playing in the house now.

Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceted. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take pleasure in other peoples sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to eudure whatever comes. - A Walk To Remember

I feel like I want to run away from all of the works. I guess I'm not really enjoying making sure things so organized and well-planned. I always wonder why they can't give a little more flexibility and realize that some things are not always going according to plan, so why spend so much time on planning? Some people might scold and offend me right now. Whatever. I admit I can force my self to be organized when doing things for a group of people, but for my own sake of leisure I won't really bother. Oh yes, I really wanna go backpacking or go on adventure or take part in an amazing race. Just come there and let the adventure begin by itself. No itinerary. Limit of time is still okay, but please no to-do-list steps by steps.

Dunia yang berbeda

Walaupun masih sama-sama di planet Bumi, tetapi kembali ke sana bagaikan berada di planet asing lagi.

Di sana tidak seperti Bumi.

Tanah di sana gersang.
Semuanya gurun pasir.
Oasis pun sulit ditemukan.
Aku berharap aku bisa menjelma menjadi unta di sana.

Udara di sana tercemar.
Tidak menyegarkan untuk dihirup.
Di sana tidak ada manusia.
Yang ada adalah robot.

Ketika ku kembali pijakkan kakiku di sana.
Kemanusiaanku sedikit perlahan menghilang.
Semuanya begitu teratur dalam sistem.
Sudah ada program terperinci yang merancang setiap langkah.

Langkahku boleh bebas.
Tetapi ia tidak boleh menyimpang dari jalur yang dipercaya sebagai kesempurnaan.
Jika tidak, aku akan terjerembap ke dalam jurang.
Tidak akan ada yang menolongku walau aku berteriak, semua sibuk menyelamatkan diri sendiri.

Aku.
Kan segera kembali ke medan tempur.
Semoga aku bisa bertemu dengan sukarelawan penolong jika aku memerlukan pertolongan.
Semoga hatiku juga tergerak untuk menolong mereka yang jatuh agar bisa menyelamatkan diri.
Semoga aku masih bisa menjadi manusia di sana.

Sing like no one is listening. Dance like no one is watching.

I might be the last person on earth you could imagine to be singing... and dancing! :P

I love both, but I love != I can.

For singing,
yes I do love karaoke. I really wish I could sing well so I don't need to worry that people would be annoyed, at least not to be annoyed by my annoying voice. If they're annoyed by me couldn't stop singing, I don't see it as much a problem. Hahahaha just kidding. And you know what's the part of mass at church I love the most? It's not the homily, it's not the communion. It's the time when I can sing the hymns hahaha (=_=).

For dancing,
Don't imagine I would do some modern dance or korean dance. haha. My first dancing experience is on DDR Floor :P and goes on with Para-Para Dance at games centres! Another reason is dancing does burn calories, yeah! Compare to 5 mins boring treadmill (even with some playlist is on), I prefer doing 10 mins fun DDR/Para-Para/Hollahoop. Yes, treadmill does offer more effective way of burning more calories but they're not fun.

Unfortunately, watching and listening is not as easy as doing it. Those guys from glee are really really professionals. I guess I have underestimated them because they successfully make singing and dancing look easy!

Hahaha.

but doesn't matter you're good at it or not...

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like no one is watching.

o k a y

s o i w a s w r o n g s o r r y i s h o u l d b e m o r e u n d e r s t a n d i n d a n d s e e t h i n g s f r o m w i d e r p i c t u r e w h y d o i a l w a y s s e e t h e s a m e i m a g e w h e n i t c o m e s a b o u t p e o p l e a n d f e e l i n g i m u s t m u s t l e a r n t o b e a b l e t o m a k e s e n s e o f t h i n g s i m u s t s t o p b e i n g a d r a m a q u e e n

The Only Exception

This might not be the sweetest song on earth like some disney princess with her prince charming singing under the silver stars~ but still, it's a beautiful song

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now

I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing