still alive.

Hello, long time no see!

Many things have happened but I'm not gonna update about anything.

One thing for sure is that..

True, you cannot depend on anyone.

That I only have Mom, Dad, and Bro.

nearly the end.

this is my last week of internship.

you can see at the left of my current wishlists and goals : a fruitful journey during internship.

yes, a very 'fruitful' one indeed.

I've learnt that :

1. Routine makes me sick.

2. I'm not good at dealing with details. definitely not a detail-oriented person. does that mean i am not suitable to become an engineer?

3. I love to think but I don't like thinking and analyzing technical stuffs. I'm more to that abstract thinker.

4. My patience limit has expanded. a lot, maybe.

5. Sometimes you have to fight for your own good sake, even to people who have somewhat called higher positions. If not, think again.. are you sure you wanna be their slaves?

6. I made some improvement in my defending skills.

7. Don't act like a boss even if you are one, act as a leader instead. Never let your people lose their respect towards you.

8. Always keep a good manner and attitude while eating with a group of people!!!

9. If you don't have passion within you, it's really... hard to enjoy what you're doing. 'Love what you do' is too good to be true.

10. I need something more than incentives, I think.. I need a reason... and passion.

11. I'm a slacker.

12. I'm more stubborn than I ever thought I was.

13. And surprisingly, I'm more patient than I ever thought I was.

14. Nothing beats university life as a normal university student.

15. You can't just depend on anyone at anytime.

16. I only have Mom, Dad, and Bro.

17. Mom and Dad are the ones who always stand by you. no matter what. they'll never leave you. they'll do as best as they could, even sometimes too much :)

And the list still goes on. I'd add if time and condition permits :p

You might be wondering why almost all the lists are the negative ones.. yes, seriously I cannot think about much of the good things at the moment. This semester is the 'BEST' semester ever. I thought last was epic enough but this time is even more. More tears are shed. Joys are more appreciated. More stories are shared. More people are involved. More feeling plays part, where love and hate becomes one. When you have thousand reasons to hate, but there is one very reason which hold you to stay.

Sorry, I didn't mean to..

I really meant the opposite way.

I know it was such an irony, but I couldn't just act like I.... just care.

I'm... sorry. I didn't mean to.

A Wish Upon A Star

I've never seen a rainbow...

...with my own eyes...

....and I hope when I do, it will be with someone special.

One Chance

One chance which is given to me

One chance which leads me to the decision that I decide to stay

If only another chance comes instead, I would have been given up

One chance which gives me pain and disappointment

One chance which shows me the truth and lies

If only another chance comes instead, my life would have been gone smoothly

One chance which I decided to take

I just hope it's all worth it

A Paradox

My b**s not in today! Woohoooooo I could feel my face smiling! :D

One paradox is that I'm more into doing the works I've assigned when the b**s is not around lol. I finished it in a more efficient way. Fast and quick! I know this is not really right.. I should have shown this so-called-'passion and spirit' when the b**s is around, so I can give good impression and hence... get a good grade, but I just can't lift up my spirit. Maybe because I had already been mentally tired and somehow there's still a pressure. Maybe because I like freedom. I already know no one's gonna scold me today and hence I do my work happily and surprisingly, more efficiently! :D

Another random (evil) thing...

It's so good having no exams at all for the semester, yeay! I just realized it from yesterday's Exam Rosary that I didn't feel as worried as previous semesters before we started the prayer. The fact is.. It is the Exam Rosary itself that helps to carry the burdens and worries away :) Well, I just miss it but somehow enjoy it. One exam-less semester in NTU is a priceless pleasure :) Hahaha... Forgive me being evil, my dear friends who are having exams, I didn't mean anything to hurt you. I just mean to satisfy my self! :P

Another random (evil-less) thing..

I'm glad that one of my colleague did help me explain things I didn't understand. Well, even though the answer was didn't really satisfy me, I was touched by his eagerness to help and didn't leave the questions unanswered! :)

That's all for now..

Oh yeah I got one random (hedonist) thought that's occurring to me..

I think since I bought the iPhone, my mood has been swinging in the good place. Never been better since the last few months! LOL. That's the power of money. They can buy you physical things and give you (guilty) pleasure as well. I'm not being materialistic, I'm just being realistic :P

iPhone, wait for me!!!

OMG, what am I thinking!

I decided to buy an iPhone in just 3 days time.

For my dear friends,

next time I meet you, don't be surprised if suddenly I say "I'm flying to Paris." haha just random, though.

April, Thanks for being.... quite nice.

It's always amazing to think that how fast time can fly if you look back.

Today is already the end of April!

Well, compare to March, I shall say you have done far better :) even though I still had to fall some times here and there..

At least, there are some memories that are worth to be remembered with a smile..

Drained.

See what I found from colorgenicstest.com

You are feeling exhausted, worn out, drained. You feel that far too much is being asked of you but you still want to overcome these difficulties and establish yourself despite the effect such an effort seems to have on you. You are a proud person, assertive most of the time, but at this particular moment you are acting as if you have become resigned to the situation. What you need is some tender loving care - a gentle pat on the head (or maybe a 'kick-up-the backside') and then you'll be raring to go.

Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly - far slower than you anticipated - and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place. In spite of the fact that you feel like 'giving up' - don't. Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression 'All's well that ends well' will have an extra special meaning for you.

Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offence, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.

It would seem that an existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory and you feel that there is little that you can do about it without 'some help from your friends', but you have no desire to show the world how vulnerable you really are and therefore you consider it inadvisable to display affection or be over demonstrative. You regard this particular relationship as a depressing tie and although you would like to be independent and unhampered, you don't want to run the risk of losing anything. All this leads you to react 'touchily' and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness and stress. Your ability to concentrate may suffer.

You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true managerial material.

Sadly, I have to admit most of the part is true. All my energy was drained, and just a little part of it left. A little pieces of me that is just enough to do the daily cycles. Wake up, go to work, go home, sleep. I couldn't stand any interference between those routines. You know what... up until this very moment, I still abandon my post event report. Yes, I'm a procrastinator, but at this moment, I have made some steps further, a quick 'improvement' that I had never done before. I run from my responsibilities. I know I have time and I know I can do it if I have enough motivation but apparently I'm not. I'm running away.

There are times when I feel like to be un-contactable, to run from people. Call me anti-social or anything as you like, I don't care.

I'm a Slacker, Indeed...

I guess this will be the first time I blog from office..

I have a thing to do, but a very little motivation to do it. I tend to slack around and open my facebook page, browse here and there, google here and there.. Maybe I should close my google chrome window to overcome with the distractions. Well, I have tried it once but it ended up with me playing Minesweeper and Solitaire. I even managed to finish the expert mode! A new accomplishment! lol.

I can't blame on anyone or anything with me being soooooo idle, lazy, and procrastinate. It's on my self. Me, is the problem. Either I just found out that I actually have an extremely laid-back personality or... I just found out that this job is not suitable for me. Well, I can't say it sure enough. I realize that I have not been so interested and excited to the works I've been doing. Maybe I'm not ready to accept the fact that this is..the real working field's gonna feel like. Maybe I'm too comfortable with me being an university student. Maybe I just simply don't have any ambitions. Or.. maybe it's simply because... this job is not meant for me.

I. DO. NOT. KNOW. WHAT. AND. WHERE. IS. MY. PROBLEM.

I can't work under pressure like the two engineers working in front of me. They never close the AutoCAD window. Sometimes I wonder how they can survive hours sitting in front of the computer. Maybe because they are always reminded of their family at home. To fulfill their needs they need money. To have money they have to work. To work, they have to be under all this pressure.

He Knows My Name

This song had accompanied me dealing with the tough times I had during March 2011, a month full of joy and pain, tears and laughter, good and bad things..

There was one time when this song was being played.. and I cried hard.. really. hard. I never thought I'd do such kind of reactions.. I just never realized that it was so precious to me. And I couldn't bear the thought of losing it.

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tommy_walker/he_knows_my_name.html ]
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

Today's Reflection Mark 8:11-13

“Why does this generation seek a sign?” (Mark 8:12)

We can easily understand why Jesus declined to honor the Pharisees’ request for a sign. Mark tells us right away what their motivation was—to test Jesus. For the most part, they already had their minds made up about him. If Jesus did per- form a miracle, they would accuse him of blasphemy. If he didn’t, they would say he was just another false prophet. Jesus wasn’t afraid of what they could do to him—but he knew that even the most amazing miracle he could perform wouldn’t change their opinion.

Still, we may want to give the Pharisees a little credit. They were actually on the defensive here. It was they who were being tested, not Jesus. If they were to accept his claims about himself, they could lose their elite social status as religious leaders. And worse, they would have to rethink their understanding of the Mosaic Law, which they had studied their entire lives. Jesus was asking something very difficult of the Pharisees, and for many of them, the risk was too great.

How about us? Everyone of us is regularly tested by God, as a necessary part of our growth into mature disciples. We can choose to see this testing as a good thing, or we can resist: “Lord, why am I facing this challenging road? Are you sure you want me to do this? Please send me one more sign to convince me that this is your will!” For us, just as for these Pharisees, stretching our faith muscles can hurt sometimes!

Perhaps the greatest thing we can ask for in our walk with the Lord is the grace of surrender. As difficult as it can be at times, there is also great comfort in being able to say: “Your will be done.” If we look at believers like Abraham, Peter, Mary, and Paul, we see that the reward for faithfulness to God’s will far outweighs the cost. Our sacrifices will seem light if we keep our eyes fixed on our goal: “the prize of God’s upward calling, in Christ Jesus!” (Philippians 3:14).

“Lord, I can’t see the road ahead, so please help me to trust you as I step out in faith. I believe that any step taken in faith is a step forward!”

source : wau.org

In Needs of Inspirations. In The Middle of Desperations.

This is the first time I post outside from my room. Guess what, now I'm in NIE Canteen, sitting in the very corner just across the NTU Jungle. I need some inspirations to start writing the script but the mood is just not there yet.

Sigh. Why in the first place I chose this way that forces me to be so well planned and organized? I am not definitely one. I love to hold on, to pending, to 'see how lah'. And this job is about the opposite. Everything has to be done right away. Every single details must be carefully planned. I wonder why God sometimes lets me to escape from the responsibility of being responsible of what I am doing, maybe He knows I'm not capable enough to do that. Yes, I'm too stressful if being forced like this for quite a time. I just hope the event would quickly pass by. It's 40++ days left! And still, I'm still not sure enough if it's gonna come true! The budget even hasn't fixed yet. Oh my, sigh.

This task is difficult for me. I have to overcome my nature of being a procrastinator, and it's no fun at all. God, give me strength. I can't just depend on anyone, where are they when I mostly need them?

Being So Positive

Everyone tells me to be positive and optimistic.

Everyone tells me that when it comes to an end, you'll feel an inexpressible satisfaction.

Everyone tells me to be strong and full of spirit.

I appreciate their care and encouragements.

This post is no offense to them.

I thank them for every single care they show in any forms.

I know I have to be positive and optimistic.

I know when it comes to an end, I'll feel an inexpressible satisfaction.

I know I have to be strong and full of spirit.

I know it and I know I need to be reminded of those things.

but I just can't lie to myself to be such positive and optimistic...

No offense but sometimes..

Those positive encouragement feels nothing

Same things are said and believed

It's like lying to one self, you know..

Being optimistic might be the best thing that I can do

Being an encouragement might be the best thing that people can do for me, and I'm really thankful for that

but...I just can't lie and fool my self like that

I know it's gonna be hard

I know tears might be shed

and I know this is a test for me, no matter what the result is, either being an optimist or a pessimist, the important thing is that I'm not turning back, and I guess that's enough..

First Week of My Internship

Five days are fast, but it's not because it's a very enjoyable one. It feels fast because I managed to successfully passed all the obstacles during the my first days of internship.

Let me review you day per day.

FIRST DAY

I really had nothing to do. It was boring all the time. I was tired of sitting. I kept looking at the clock just to find out only 5 minutes had passed. It was torturing.

SECOND DAY

I got my first job and it was not such a newbie one. I was asked to draw 3D view of a staircase with a curved landing. My supervisor guided me through the process. He's not a soft spoken one but he is kind of patient for my slow-processing-brain. At first, I was very lost. I couldn't catch which point of view that he wanted, but I managed to finish it. I thought my first job was done, but actually it was a never ending one. I was asked again to draw the plan view, cut the section here and there, then draw the elevation view. I worked until 7pm in my second day where I was supposed to leave office at 6pm, and I was given a homework for tomorrow morning!

THIRD DAY

In the morning, I got nothing to do again. It was because my supervisor was not around, when he came in the afternoon, I was given the next task. Same project. Same thing, still the damn staircase thing.

I was told to draw the slanted beam in elevation view, not to forget to draw the reinforcements also. Oh yeah, before that, he asked me to calculate what reinforcements should be used for the problem. He guided me but I was still blur. I knew I learnt that last semester but I just forgot the formula. Thanks to the blue textbook. I was a little bit shocked that I had to do all those works that soon. I was expecting a step by step learning process but I didn't get any.

I forgot to tell you, that my company is a very small company, only consists of 4 people, 5 including me. One of my colleague also explained about this thing, that they don't really have that kind of training for an intern, since it is a very small company, and everyone usually is already busy doing their own works but yes, they are still willing to help me of course.

Okay, continue. After calculating the longitudinal bars, I was asked to calculate the shear link reinforcements. My supervisor said that the contractor was coming (oh okay so this is a REAL project. At first I still thought this was kind of practices for me to get familiarized with those stuffs. but it is A REAL ONE) I was stuck with the calculation but fortunately he didn't need the answer anymore, which meant : another problem arose.

He asked me to draw the damn beam in plan view with bigger scale. That 'funny damn' beam... Why on earth the architect designed such thing?? =_= What a poor civil engineer we are.. I worked over time again, but thank God it was only 15 minutes late, but then I was given a homework again to study how to calculate the column thingy-thingy. I totally forgot that thing and lost. I never learnt such problems during my class. That's why, you should never study for the purpose of exam only.

At night, I tried to read my lecture notes but I couldn't really focus. I even brought my lecture notes to celebrate my friend's birthday! Can't you believe that?? Even those who are not doing their internship wouldn't even start studying! (unless they're kiasu enough).

FOURTH DAY

I reached office with a very minimum understanding of what I would be doing. I looked through the blue print again and I found out that I actually didn't have to calculate that column thingy-thingy. Yay! but then, another new work is coming..another drawing from another damn point of view. Actually I was quite excited knowing that I didn't need to bore myself anymore, but still..there was another pressure of many works to do. I might enjoy the drawing part but not when I required to think how to anchor the reinforcement, how to bend, how to link, etc etc. I left office at around 6.40 pm, then followed by club's meeting at 7.30 pm. Quite a tiring day..

FIFTH DAY

Now I know how TGIF feels like, but even on friday, I still needed to work overtime. I was trying to leave office at 6.15pm, decided to continue my work on Monday but then he stopped me saying that I should finish that now because he wanted to send the drawings to the contractor soon. What?? So, I drew quickly and managed to leave office at 6.45pm after hearing his comments here and there, and honestly I was still quite blur. I did get something of course, though. Oh yes, I got some homeworks to do also, I need to calculate this and that, study this and that. What is this?? I thought everyone saying when you go to work, you have nothing to worry about when you get home, no lectures, no tutorials, no quizzes to be prepared, but I feel like having quizzes everyday!!!!

Okay. that was my first week of working.

SO FAR, I can conclude that

1. I don't want to work in that kind of environment. The routine is killing me, especially when I imagine my future self working as they do.

2. I don't have enough passion in Civil Engineering. I'm not saying I'd enjoy doing Architecture more. No, I'm not brave enough to say that as well. I just don't think I'm fit in that working field, at least for now. I still can't imagine my self dealing with those problems everyday in my future life.

3. I love school. I miss my friends. I just love spending time with my friends.

4. I might consider of changing my career path.

So, that is my first week conclusion of IA. It might have changes in some next weeks. We never know..

Dry.

I have not been a good daughter lately.

I can't focus my thoughts on my prayer.

I can't confess that I did disappoint some people in my life who love me so much.

I don't want to start to pray because it only reminds me of being sinful, that I don't deserve any of those forgiveness.

I want to come back but I just feel I just can't knock the door, and it will be opened so easily for me, that would be unfair for the others.

I regret that recently I took His blessings only for granted.

I'm afraid that I don't deserve to receive such forgiveness and love.

I'm too selfish. I'm too fragile.

I want to meditate. At the moment, I don't feel like meeting anyone. I just want to lock myself in my room.

I want to go home but every time I try to find the key, I pull back.

I just don't want to be reminded of how useless I am.

I'm no good at all.

I really want to cry out loud, but I can't. I can't. My tears just won't come out.

I feel numb. I feel such an idiot.

It's like walking in a vast desert and I can't find any oasis nearby.

Current Status : Dry. Numb. Empty.

Dry

Spiritually.

Numb

Academically.

Empty

Reality.

Jarak Tak Memisahkan Kita

Jarak bukan masalah bagi kita

Kita tetap bisa melewati 'quality time' bersama-sama

Tak ada yang berubah sejak aku dan kau dipisahkan ribuan kilometer

Walau gunung dan samudera terbentang luas menghadang

Jarak Tak 'Kan Memisahkan Kita

You have to accept that

-if you receive something good, be prepared for the worst when you will lose that good thing

-nothing is eternal

-life is no fairy tale

-you can't just walk away. you can't just disappear. you can't just ignore.

-you can't just rely on anyone.

-even if you can rely on anyone, you can't rely on them anytime.

-some people will come in your life to disappoint you.

-you can't have too high expectations. it's best not to expect anything from anyone.

-people might only be nice to you when they want to make use of you.

-forever is too good to be true.

-you are simply like peter pan from neverland. you just don't wanna grow up.

-being a hypocrite is inevitable.

-you can't tell your secret to anyone.

-you can't really tell your biggest secret.

-you can't just get along with everyone.

It Hurts More and More

At first, I didn't want to write this thing because it means in the future I have to recall back this painful memories, even though I wouldn't write them in details, but they do hurt and pain.

What is the problem here?

Every obstacles that I have gone through might have made me stronger, but for each new obstacles I just feel more miserable than I used to. The analogy is maybe like "leveling up your level like they do in games". You need experiences to go to the next level. The higher your level is, the more experiences you need for the next level, thus the heavier the burden is.

It may mislead me to the thought of me being more fragile instead of stronger, but in fact, the bigger boss is waiting and there will be always the bigger ones.

Sometimes I just wanna walk away. I wanna signed out of my email account, msn, fb and shut down my computer, pretending nothing out there is going on. Sometimes being keep updated is scary, you know. Can we just enjoy a little stroll in a green beautiful park, just walk..and enjoy its beauty. No cell phone. No messenger. No distractions.

I just don't know HOW I'm gonna make it through

I know the answer

I just don't know HOW I'm gonna make it through

I know what prizes I'll get

I just don't know HOW I'm gonna make it through

who can i depend on

this post is not written in my best stable emotional state so it might not be valid.

come on, guys..

think of anyone who can u depend on, in any situation

i mean, anyone with no biological or family relationship with u

i know my Dad and Mom will always fight for me

i cannot think of one name..

for those who r my friend, sorry it doesn't mean i forget ur role as a friend

but i just don't think u'll sacrifice all ur energy and time to support me

u gotta live ur own life

don't tell me it's God

i know He'll always be here and there

but i don't know how He's gonna support me

who He will send as angels

He always works mysteriously

I, Me, and Myself..

Suddenly, I just feel the urge to write about myself. :P I never wrote anything that much about myself before in this blog, but what I'll be writing might be different from who I was some years ago if you are happened to be my high or junior high school friends, and different from I will be some years in the future. Just consider this as a chance for me to know my self and compare the improvement of me being a human as an individual some years later.

I was born 21 years ago in the month of Christmas, with a red birthmark on my face. My mom believed this affected my confidence when I was around with my peer. At that time, I even didn't realize that was the cause of my shyness when dealing with people, but I guess even without the birthmark I'd be the same, me, the shy, and the quiet little girl, with some sort of high imaginations. There were times I was down and depressed because of some bullies regarding my physical appearance, but as I grew older that thing was not a problem anymore.

During kindergarten, I liked drawing. I entered some drawing and painting competitions and got some rewards from them. Ah, I remember there was this one painting that was printed in a magazine named "Hidup". I think there was a tree, a boat, a sun, some clouds, mountains, and some people there, like a common view of a life in a village. Yes, I enjoyed painting very much that time. I guess it's because I can express freely in colours and sketches, but after kindergarten, my painting career was merely about assignments in drawing class. My interest to drawing is one of the reason I considered Architecture as my major when I was applying for university, and yeah.. now ends up with Civil Engineering, the brother of Architecture. Even though the story of me ending up with Civil Engineering was not as easy and smooth as you could imagine but I'd save it for another chance.

Apart from drawing, I also love writing. I guess I do better in writing than in speaking. I once ever tried to write some short stories but none of them was ever finished. Yes, I'm not really the type of someone who will get the task done right away, even though I look like so. At first, I also thought I was the kind of people who do not procrastinate, due to some common expectations and such, but as I get to know my self... Yes, I'm a procrastinator. I always believe there will always be tomorrow when there's always enough time for everything.

I like to dream. I like to create. Wanna know another reason why I want Architecture? It's because it gives me an opportunity to be creative as well as making money. Wanna know why I choose to be the Event Organizer when going for club's main committee election? Not because I like to organize and plan, it's because I can give ideas in hope to make the event innovative and exciting. That's all. And now, I realize it's wrong. I need more than creativity to survive doing this job. I am forced to be organized and well-planned, and somehow it gives me some pressure one way or another.

I am not the type of motherly girl who likes to be at the house most of the time. Well, I like to be home, but I don't like to stay at the house all day long. And I prefer to go out alone than spending time in my room doing nothing and keep boring. So, don't be surprised if you find me alone walking in some uncommon part of Singapore. I won't be able to do that in Indonesia since I don't have any access to a fine and secure transportation. Honestly, I don't really like the fact that I have to depend on somebody when I want to go out while in Indo.

(to be continued)

Relax~

Actually I was going to play Frank Sinatra's Christmas Album. It's not because I want more of Christmas. I need some jazzy melodies to accompany me at the moment. And it's the only album I have in my laptop. I'm trying to download Sinatra's greatest hits but they're taking 1 hour!

Then suddenly my mom plays a CD collection of religion songs. It's playing all over the house now, so better I closed my windows media player before it consumes my laptop battery. Haha, guess what. I plug in the battery and lay on the bed. Today's weather is such a prefect time to procrastinate. I can't believe I just sent the proposal to SAO in the middle of this soothing atmosphere!

"Kasih" is playing in the house now.

Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceted. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take pleasure in other peoples sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to eudure whatever comes. - A Walk To Remember

I feel like I want to run away from all of the works. I guess I'm not really enjoying making sure things so organized and well-planned. I always wonder why they can't give a little more flexibility and realize that some things are not always going according to plan, so why spend so much time on planning? Some people might scold and offend me right now. Whatever. I admit I can force my self to be organized when doing things for a group of people, but for my own sake of leisure I won't really bother. Oh yes, I really wanna go backpacking or go on adventure or take part in an amazing race. Just come there and let the adventure begin by itself. No itinerary. Limit of time is still okay, but please no to-do-list steps by steps.

Dunia yang berbeda

Walaupun masih sama-sama di planet Bumi, tetapi kembali ke sana bagaikan berada di planet asing lagi.

Di sana tidak seperti Bumi.

Tanah di sana gersang.

Semuanya gurun pasir.

Oasis pun sulit ditemukan.

Aku berharap aku bisa menjelma menjadi unta di sana.

Udara di sana tercemar.

Tidak menyegarkan untuk dihirup.

Di sana tidak ada manusia.

Yang ada adalah robot.

Ketika ku kembali pijakkan kakiku di sana.

Kemanusiaanku sedikit perlahan menghilang.

Semuanya begitu teratur dalam sistem.

Sudah ada program terperinci yang merancang setiap langkah.

Langkahku boleh bebas.

Tetapi ia tidak boleh menyimpang dari jalur yang dipercaya sebagai kesempurnaan.

Jika tidak, aku akan terjerembap ke dalam jurang.

Tidak akan ada yang menolongku walau aku berteriak, semua sibuk menyelamatkan diri sendiri.

Aku.

Kan segera kembali ke medan tempur.

Semoga aku bisa bertemu dengan sukarelawan penolong jika aku memerlukan pertolongan.

Semoga hatiku juga tergerak untuk menolong mereka yang jatuh agar bisa menyelamatkan diri.

Semoga aku masih bisa menjadi manusia di sana.

Sing like no one is listening. Dance like no one is watching.

I might be the last person on earth you could imagine to be singing... and dancing! :P

I love both, but I love != I can.

For singing,

yes I do love karaoke. I really wish I could sing well so I don't need to worry that people would be annoyed, at least not to be annoyed by my annoying voice. If they're annoyed by me couldn't stop singing, I don't see it as much a problem. Hahahaha just kidding. And you know what's the part of mass at church I love the most? It's not the homily, it's not the communion. It's the time when I can sing the hymns hahaha (=_=).

For dancing,

Don't imagine I would do some modern dance or korean dance. haha. My first dancing experience is on DDR Floor :P and goes on with Para-Para Dance at games centres! Another reason is dancing does burn calories, yeah! Compare to 5 mins boring treadmill (even with some playlist is on), I prefer doing 10 mins fun DDR/Para-Para/Hollahoop. Yes, treadmill does offer more effective way of burning more calories but they're not fun.

Unfortunately, watching and listening is not as easy as doing it. Those guys from glee are really really professionals. I guess I have underestimated them because they successfully make singing and dancing look easy!

Hahaha.

but doesn't matter you're good at it or not...

Sing like no one is listening.

Dance like no one is watching.

o k a y

s o i w a s w r o n g s o r r y i s h o u l d b e m o r e u n d e r s t a n d i n d a n d s e e t h i n g s f r o m w i d e r p i c t u r e w h y d o i a l w a y s s e e t h e s a m e i m a g e w h e n i t c o m e s a b o u t p e o p l e a n d f e e l i n g i m u s t m u s t l e a r n t o b e a b l e t o m a k e s e n s e o f t h i n g s i m u s t s t o p b e i n g a d r a m a q u e e n

The Only Exception

This might not be the sweetest song on earth like some disney princess with her prince charming singing under the silver stars~ but still, it's a beautiful song

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now

I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

Distance and Time Have Torn Us Apart

Some sweet words might had been said

Some last wonderful memories had been created

Some warm hugs had represented "all the best for future journeys" to each other

Some moments had passed by

Some phases of life of ours had been experienced

Some new people might had come to fill in our days

And without realizing it,

Distance had torn us apart

as well as time had

Means of communications are there

saying like, "I can help both of you to be closer again."

but we are too busy with our own life

we are too overjoyed with the new things and people around us

we neglect those past moments that once we believed it would always be a wonderful one to be remembered

we forget who we used to be and how we ended up here, enjoying every single grace that is sent for us

And there is no use if

only one party is excited to make the re-touch

while the other party always ignores the calls

Where have the memories gone?

Where have the sweet forever words flown?

They might have been forgotten

but some are still possible to be recalled

So glad if

the other party cherish the past moments as well as the other

So good if

they can laugh at their foolish and silly young mistakes

So disappointed if

the other party couldn't recall the same memories

but so much more disappointed if

the other party could recall but doesn't response to be as exciting as s/he was

Apparently,

Distance and time have torn us apart

Maybe my expectation is too much

Maybe I'm just being so idealist

Maybe I'm just... nobody

"I used to believe in forever, but forever is just too good to be true." - Pooh

Sensitive Issue

As a girl, my feeling is more dominating than my logics.

As a melancholic, I can be over sensitive to small things.

So as a melancholic girl, the effect is doubled.

Okay, so it took me two days to make sense of one thing. If I were able to think more clearly and to keep aside my feeling, I wouldn't need to create such a drama. I envy those from Mars.

Next time, I hope I can see it from bigger picture and not to be judgmental at the first place.

I must must must try to be less sensitive.

Do Nothing

The time when the Princess finally meets her Prince Charming..

It's better to finish it soon with the three words "Happily ever after".

If not, some alternatives might be written and it wouldn't always lead to a good one.

I'd better do nothing if doing something would damage the beautiful painting.

I'd better not do something if doing nothing keep the memories undamaged.

I'd better do nothing and wait..

Life With and Without Facebook

Just now I heard a rumor that Facebook will be closed on 15 March 2011. I don’t know whether it’s true or just a hoax, but just let’s imagine if it is true…

Actually the first time I heard that I was thinking of the positive sides, that I don’t need to waste my time kaypoh-ing anybody, that I don’t have reasons to be online for a long time, that I don’t have to be curious if there is any new notifications on my comments or statuses, etc.. I was thinking I’d have a better quality leisure time. Maybe I’d be able to finish some novels left unread, maybe I’d spend some quality time together with friends when I’m bored, etc.. Maybe life will be better without Facebook.

But then, I remembered the fun I had when I uploaded photos of my reunion with friends, wrote those silly captions, posting non-sense comments to each other, etc. Hey, I still have a quality time with them even though we’re apart! Or when we’re feeling down, uncertain about some stuffs, there will be (even though not always) an immediate feedback to our status, to cheer us up and to enlighten our blur perspectives. Not to mention some inspiring notes written by my friends which I won’t be able to have a direct and quick access to them if I don’t have a Facebook account.

So, as long as we use it wisely and efficiently the time, the privacy, and the contents, I don’t think there would be much problem.

A Video for reflection :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKBRG_QgEAM&feature=related

The Real Woman

Recently I've been reading some inspiring writings of ex-Mandarin teacher in my high school. Most of them that touched me the most is about womanhood, motherhood, and femininity. To be honest, I'm not really a kind of feminine (not yet? :P) so back in the past I never thought about how to learn to be a real (perfect) woman. I misused the name of 'woman emancipation'. I thought every woman could just be the way that they wanted, just everything. Now I guess I'm wrong.

From ancient times till now, women do still have certain roles to keep some things on this earth balanced. I just knew from Laoshi's writing that the bible even has some guide how to be a real woman :) Also, from her writings, I learnt that being a housewife is not (definitely) an easy job to do. I used to underestimate women who choose being a housewife in this modern era, but now I will take my words back. Just imagine, working on 24/7, no holidays on weekends. It's not only about how to keep the house cleaned but how to be a good homemaker as well. So much sacrifice of energy, time, and even own dreams and ambitions. Yes, my mom is also a housewife and for so many years I've known her in my life, how can I not realize this?? =.=' Sorry, Mom..

Here is what it is written in the bible. copied from proverbs31woman.com

The Proverbs 31 Woman :
10An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. rare, precious 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. trustworthy 12She does him good and not evil All the days of her life. kind	Her Character as a Wife
13She looks for wool and flax And works with her hands in delight. works joyfully 14She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. goes extra mile to get choicest goods 15She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens. disciplined 16She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. enterprising, prudent with money 17She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong. energetic 18She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. good steward 19She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hands grasp the spindle. diligent	Her Devotion as a Homemaker
20She extends her hand to the poor, And she stretches out her hands to the needy. compassionate, generous	Her Generosity as a Neighbor
21She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet. provident 22She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. elegant 23Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. influential 24She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies belts to the tradesmen. industrious	Her Devotion as a Homemaker
25Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. poised 26She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. wise	Her Influence as a Teacher
27She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. manages her home 28Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: praiseworthy 29"Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all." distinguished	Her Effectiveness as a Mother
30Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. God-fearing 31Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates. honored	Her Excellence as a Person
~ Proverbs 31:10-31

Hoamh. I'm still far from all of those things above. I wonder how many years will be taken for me to declare myself as a real woman. hahaha.

Nilai

Seandainya di dalam sekolah tidak ada Nilai yang dikenal sebagai "tolak ukur" pemahaman seorang murid terhadap pelajaran yang diajarkan, apa yang akan terjadi?

Mungkin sebagian akan berpikir,

"wah..itu mah mana ada yang mau belajar"

BENARkah?

Sekarang kalau pertanyaannya dibalik, "untuk apa kalian belajar?"

Kesampingkan dulu itu jawaban mulia (dan munafik :P) seperti "untuk mendapat ilmu dll",

pasti sebagian bakal terpikir untuk menjawab "buat dapetin NILAI (bagus)"

ya kan? ya kan?

Nah, seandainya TIDAK ADA yang namanya nilai, jawaban "buat dapetin nilai bagus" itu pasti ga ada.

Lalu, apakah jawabannya langsung berpindah jadi jawaban mulia seperti untuk menimba ilmu dkk? Tidak juga sih. Yang parah malah nanya balik, "jadi buat apa belajar??"

Tapi at least ga ada kan jawaban buat SEKEDAR dapetin nilai bagus. So, it's all or nothing. Antara yg BENER-BENER NIAT belajar dan yang GA NIAT belajar.

Kalau otaknya masih waras sih, gw rasa dia ga bakal milih buat GA NIAT belajar selama-lamanya. Toh, dia lulus ga dapet apa-apa kan? Udah ga ada nilai dan ga dapet ilmunya pula. By right, mestinya ada dong perasaan bersalah buang-buang duit sekolah mahal-mahal, masa gw ga dapet satu ilmu pun, jadi gw harus belajar! Nah kalau ada nilai yang tertulis di ijazah, yah tenang-tenang aja walaupun ilmu yang dipelajarin langsung lupa habis ujian, toh gw MASIH PUNYA nilai kok.

Kalau mau dipikir lebih lanjut lagi, yah daripada ga niat belajar sama pelajarannya, yah mendingan pilih pelajaran/jurusan yang disuka dong? Ngapain buang-buang duit maksa-maksa masuk bisnis kalau ternyata minatnya di bidang design? Mungkin masalah bentrok antar ortu dan anak yang mau pilih jurusan kuliah bisa berkurang, walau ga dijamin juga sih, banyak faktor lain.

Tetapi kalau ga ada nilai, kasihan juga guru-gurunya. Gimana dia bisa mengukur kalau murid-muridnya udah bisa nangkep pelajaran yang udah dia ajarkan? Mungkin ada alternatif lain, tapi semua itu butuh energi dan waktu yang ekstra lebih. Kalau 1 guru cuma mengajar 3-4 anak sih bisa mungkin, tapi memang ada segitu banyak supply-nya?

Lanjut ke dunia kerja, susah juga dong buat perusahaan-perusahaan yang mau meng-hire karyawan baru terutama fresh-graduates. Gimana mereka bisa melakukan seleksi sebelum interview?

Apalagi buat negara seperti S******r yang kompetisinya tinggi, yang pake bell-curve, yang ga boleh tuh katanya semua orang dapet nilai A. Ada salah satu guru yang pernah bilang bahkan kira-kira begini, "kita bisa aja kasih kalian soal-soal yang gampang, tapi kita juga perlu buat membedakan 'the good student' dan 'the VERY good student' jadi kita perlu kasih soal yang susah dikit." Okay, jadi just being good is not good enough if wanna get straight As. Ga bisa salahin gurunya juga, kalau nilainya bagus semua yah, bukan bell-curve lagi itu namanya.

Nilai itu memang bisa dijadiin tolak ukur, tetapi itu bukan tolak ukur mutlak. (inget ada faktor hoki juga :P) Tetapi yaudah terima ajalah sistem nilai ini, kalau ga ada nilai yah susah juga dunia ini. Dunia pendidikan tanpa nilai itu bagaikan bersekolah di negeri dongeng. Yang perlu diinget ya jangan mencari nilai doang pas sekolah. Walaupun itu gw akui memang susah sih, apalagi kalau pelajarannya.....ya gitu deh :P

How's Life?

New Year. New Layout :) even though I just picked it from what they provide on blogger.

okay, so. how's life?

life's been great. for my christmas present comes VERY EARLY this year (2011 not 2010, so it's not a late christmas present)

life's been great. for i'm excited to face what's in front of me. internships and ecas.

life's been great. for i'm still alive in one piece after what i've been through in last year. i can declare that 2010 is the most eventful year in my life so far.

life's been great. for me being home. with the beloved people.

but

i'm still a human in melancholy. sensitive. fragile. easily hurt and i hate that part of me being melancholy. for some uncertain reasons (even though i know why, but i resist to admit).

soon i'm going to start my internship. i once said i'd miss school. yes i will still do, i guess. i miss it for the fun, for being together with friends, doing silly things, have lunch together at canteen, gossiping in lectures, etc. actually last semester i felt of becoming a more 'social' person. i just like to interact with people more than i used to be.

some people might think that i'm a hypocrite for confessing to miss schools, tutorials, lectures, and even exams! how can't you not enjoy the opportunity of living one semester in NTU without any worries of exams?? they might think so. some people might think i don't want to look for change. well, honestly i'm ready for a change. but, don't you ever feel sad to leave something that has accompanied you during the past 2.5 years even though just for a little while? and working is something that you always can do after you graduate, unlike tutorials and exams, you're only given limited chances to meet them.

things that i think i'd hate about doing my internship is that the routines. i dunno if i can stand the routines. wake up early in the morning-work-going home-sleep. there all goes the cycle every weekday.

good thing is that i won't have to be worried about catching up with tutorials and lecture notes to maintain my grades. yes i do still have to maintain my working performance and interactions with my colleagues, but it's not something academical, it's something more personal and social, more being people-oriented.

so, in my current conclusion, this new semester's gonna be different from previous ones. time for me to learn how to be more people-oriented. got ecas to be done also. at least i'm not required to be academically kiasu to survive. at least i dun need to memorize some formulas from the lecture notes. at least i dun need to face the deadly exam period. i think i just need to be my self, and try my best to be a better person.

my feeling says some other things are also happening but i dunno what. but i know it's gonna be something exciting to be reflected by the end of the semester :)

#lovemylife